she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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