Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize