somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
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