May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
