I puked a lego.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
