Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
