awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
