I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
