Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize