I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
