Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
