Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
