New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
