Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
