Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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