So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
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