shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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