Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I met the friendliest cop last night
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
