saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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