Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
