Having a random hookup so left but love u
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
