I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
