i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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