Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
