I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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