Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
