i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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