mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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