i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize