I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
