if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
