i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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