drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
