he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
