if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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