Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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