I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
