I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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