My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
false alarm. still invincible.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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