I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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