Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
