My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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