We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
it's great music for shaving your balls
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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