I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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