Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
