Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
