everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
