What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
