she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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