You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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