Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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