I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
