When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
