Walk of Shame today included voting.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
