im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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