I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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