Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
No subtext here. People are naked.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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