tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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