woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
