I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
