i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize