I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
