Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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