I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
