just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
