I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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