sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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