Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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